Moving on

Those were really hard times for me.  Although I never regretted my decision, I wondered if it might have been easier if I had waited.  The social worker signed my up for public assistance, and money was really tight.  There was no money for my precious books; feeding the boys took top priority.  Now, the New York shelters are horrible places with drugs, alcohol, and crime running rampant, but women with children who entered a program were treated with the utmost respect.  Our building was clean and drug free; the ladies were wonderful.  We even alternated watching the children so each of us had time to ourselves.  


No, it really wasn't bad there, but still, I could feel a sense of depression creeping up on me.  I'd always been so independent and now was depending on the state to live, to be able to feed and take care of my children.  Oh, I knew it was only temporary, but that is a hard concept to understand when you are living through an awful situation....and I realized then that from the time I left my husband, my spiritual journey had taken a slide...So, when one of the women asked me if I wanted to attend church with her on Sunday, I jumped at it.  I'd never been in a Roman Catholic Church before, and my heart was longing for some sense of meaning in my life, but I didn't really feel comfortable there.  The following week I politely refused her invite and found myself in the Lutheran Church down the block...and there, too, I didn't feel as if I belonged.

Then, my Muslin friend invited me to accompany her to the Mosque on 3rd Avenue and 96th Street in Manhattan...and I will admit I was in awe  from the moment I saw that domed roof rising like a half moon above the buildings around it.  As we stepped in side, I was told to remove my shoes.  The inside of the mosque held a beauty beyond words, and the people there were so friendly and helpful...from giving me a scarf for my head to educating me on the ritual cleansing before prayer.  Thankfully, it was basically a cleansing of only those body parts that were visible for I think if I had to strip, I wouldn't have continued.   For the service, the men were downstairs and the woman up on the balcony...totally separated from each other...a concept I can never reconcile with.  It bothers me whenever I see women treated as second-class.   And when I heard the "Call to Prayer" the hair stood up on my arms and a shiver slid down my spine.  I'd heard it many times on television, but as that voice reverberated throughout the mosque, I felt as if I had been transported back to another time and place.  I did my best to follow them...kneel, head down, arms raised, head down again, touch the floor...but had no idea what was going on around me.  I went a few more times, and then, two things happened that would once again change my life.  They had found me an apartment in another borough--Brooklyn, and I got word that my ex-husband had died from a rare form of cancer...and no matter what he had put me through, I had never wanted for him to die. 



It was now 1990.  The new apartment was wonderful, and after settling the boys into their new school,  I began looking for employment.  It wasn't too long before I found a job working for an expediting agency...This was a place where we provided a service for rich people...getting cars registered, visas, passports, etc.  A few of our clients were Ralph Lauren and Donald Trump.   And best of all....there was a Barnes @ Noble right across the street so I was once again able to read.  As far as my spiritual journey, I couldn't afford the Kabbalah Centre, and I had completed  all of the Rosicrucian Fellowship courses.  So, what now?  


"The Golden Dawn".  Wow, the Golden Dawn had everything as part of its component--Kabbalah,Astrology, Tarot, Egyptian Mysteries, Enochian Magic, Alchemy....even Rosicrucianism.  I was in seventh heaven...couldn't get enough...but somewhere, deep inside, I continued to feel a sort of emptiness, like there was something else out there waiting for me.  There was.  One day, in 1991 I was sitting in Washington Square Park on my lunch hour, reading a book, when a man came up to me and said, "Would you mind it I sat here?"  I looked up and found myself looking into the eyes of my soul mate.


To be continued....

Continuing My Spiritual Journey

So, here I am.  It is now the mid 80's, and I am the mother of two wonderful sons, seemingly stuck in an abusive marriage. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as the physical abuse. All in all, it wasn't a happy time for me, but I had my children, and  I continued on with my Rosicrucian studies.  In time, I completed the entry level courses and moved on to the more advanced.  It was during this time period that my sister-in-law referred me to the psychic.

Now, this psychic was darned good.  Just to let you know HOW good, I will veer off with a little tale.  It was my sister-in-law's friend who first found this guy. She was the mother of two twin boys who loved living in New York. She had no plans on leaving and moving to Florida so when he told her that within a few months she would leave New York, he became a charlaton in her eyes.  But, several months later, her mom had locked herself out of the apartment and asked if the boys help her; they lived next door.  One of the twins climbed out on the fire escape to try to get into his grandmother's apartment, he slipped and fell...nine stories.  The loss of her son was too much for her to bare, and within a few months, she had packed up and moved to Florida.

I am aware that this has nothing to do with  my search for a path, but I wanted you all to understand just WHY  I felt so stricken that day when I left this his office.   The psychic did his readings with the I Ching, the tarot, and his own psychic sensitivities which, by the way, were unbelievably accurate. I don't remember the entire session, but I do know that as soon as he began my reading, he picked up on my situation and did a full reading on my ex-husband.    I can still hear his chilling words today, "There is no way out except by accepting the fact that there is no way out."  The hexigram I had thrown out was:

K'an: The abysmal, dangerous (my ex-husband)

K'en: Keeping still, resting  (no way out)

And whatever the I Ching said, the Tarot spread seconded.  We discussed this for awhile, and I know he saw how unhappy I was, because he spent a lot of energy just trying to put me at ease.  He reminded me that the Tarot spread coincided with K'en, but also offered hope.  Basically what I was being told was...."Bide your time.  Don't make waves.  Now is not the time to make a move."  By then my hour was up, but the psychic had become intrigued with my readings that he  wasn't ready to let go and did a future reading for free.  I am so glad he did this for me, for in this reading, both the Tarot and the I Ching showed that eventually I would 'escape'.  Oh, and before I forget, he saw a Leo entering my life at sometime in the future.  My husband is a Leo. 

When I left his office, I was feeling somewhat depressed because I knew I had to put up with the abuse for awhile longer, but at least I knew now it wouldn't be forever.  I had also gained two new interests--The Tarot and the I Ching, so it  was off to the book store for me.  I bought myself a deck of Tarot cards, a book on learning how to read them, and a copy of  the "I Ching: Book of Changes" by Richard Wilhelm.  If you want to get into the I Ching...and are serious about it....this book is a classic; this is the one to get.  I'll be honest.  I was never able to get into the Tarot cards; I just didn't feel comfortable with them.  It was only recently that I learned it might have been the deck, that you have to have a feeling, a resonation, with your deck.  The I Ching was another story, though.  It was something I began to utilize often....and even today, when I am seeking an answer to something, I will toss he coins.

In the late 80's I came across the Book, "A Garden of Pomegranates: Skrying on the Tree of Life" by Israel Rgardie, and suddenly my search for a path veered off into the fascinating world of Jewish mysticism.  Mysticism and mystical experiences have been a part of Judaism since its earliest days,yet many of the more Orthodox considered it nonsense.  At the heart of Jewish myticism is the Kabbalah, one of the most misunderstood parts of Judaism.  A study of the Kabbalah should be undertaken with extreme caution since there is far too much literature out there that has little or nothing to do with true Jewish mysticism.  ("A Garden of Pomegranates" is highly recommended.)  I would also like to add that studying the Kabbalah is not an easy task to take on alone, so I enrolled in the Kaballah Centre in New York City...which is run by Rabbi Berg who eventually became famous as Madonna's mentor. 

I was several months into my Kabbalah courses when life turned upside down.  I had an offer from my job to work full-time, but my husband refused to help with the boys so I had to turn it down.  We really picked up on our arguing after that, and the the time came that I knew I had to leave.  So, with my boys in tow, I left and went into a shelter for woman who were victims of domestic violence.  I had to let my studies go; setting up a new life for myself and my sons had to be my first priority.

To be continued....

A Little About Me and How I Found My Path

Good morning.  Well, it is still cold in my office, but at least I am not typing with my coat and gloves on today.  My legs are cold, though, and I wish I had a coverlet for them.  This is what happens when you work in an old building.  Don't you just love these purple butterflies?  I know they have absolutely 'nothing' to do with what I plan to say, but I fell in love with their delicate beauty.  Also maybe a touch of spring there?....although I don't ever remember seeing a purple butterfly.

Lately, I have been reading a lot of blogs of those in search of a path and stories of those who have already found their path so I decided that maybe it is time that I share my story....a story of a search which took me many, many years....and. oh, so many detours...so many, that it will take me several posts just to get through my story.  (Hope I don't bore all of you)

I was baptized an Episcopalian.  I remember that mom, not terribly religious herself, would have me attend church and Sunday school on a weekly basis.  Now I have to wonder how much of that was mom wanting for her daughter to have a religious background and how much of it was just to put on a show for the neighbors...who, by the way, attended church every weekend...and, as an entire family dressed in their Sunday best......because by the time I reached adolescence, Sunday church services were a thing of the past for me.  Mom just didn't seem to care if I went or not.   I don't remember much at all about my childhood religious trainings.  Ask me what we did in Sunday school, and I wouldn't be able to tell you....but there is  one incident  that happened during church services sticks in my mind.  .  One Sunday, as the pastor was giving his weekly sermon, I happened to look down at my lap...and there, bold as can be...sat an enormous bumblebee, the biggest bumblebee my child eyes had ever seen.  My breath caught in my throat, and I wanted to scream...but I couldn't.  I was in church, and you just didn't scream in church.  Tears welled in my eyes and an involuntary shiver overtook my body...as I sat there, too petrified to move ...my eyes glued on the bumblebee.  Would he ever leave?  Why didn't someone see what was happening and help me?  Why me?  The entire episode probably only lasted a few minutes before the bee finally flew off, but to a terrified child, it was an eternity.  As an adult, I have to question why that  one incident is the only memory I have ..and also have to wonder what would make a small child so terrified that she would be afraid to cry out for help. 

And so it was that by adolescence, my church going days were over.  Oh, I attended the Methodist Church with my friend, Kathleen, and her family a few times, but that soon died out, and I spent most of my teenage years not believing in anything....well, maybe it wasn't that I didn't believe in anything, it was just that teen-age stuff such as school, peers, and such was taking up my time. 

I'd say I was about 19 when I first became interested in astrology and the occult.  I began studying theosophy and the writings of Alice Bailey, Annie Besant, and H. P. Blavatsky.  I was enthralled with the idea that I had lived before and read everything I could get my hands on that had to do with reincarnation.  In my early 20's, a friend gave me of a copy of the Satanic Bible....and I never dared to opened it.  Why, I was so scared of that book that was even terrified to throw it away lest something bad happen to me.  I can't remember now what happened to that book...but I guess I must have just left it there when I moved to New York City.  I am a firm believer that nothing 'just' happens so there had to be a reason why I was so afraid of a book.

Ah, New York City!!! What a special place that was for pagans in the late 60's and the 70's!!!!  It didn't take me long to discover "Samuel Weiser's Bookstore".  There was another one around then, too, but I just can't seem to think of the name of it.  Gosh, how I loved going  there.  I would spend hours...and the people who worked in the stores were always so helpful.  I now not only enhanced my study of astrology, but also began the study of numerology and the I Ching.  I was also introduced to Edgar Cayce and the Seth Materials.  I know you all know of Cayce, but has anyone else here delved into the Seth Materials?    In my opinion, Jane Roberts is what Sylvia Browne is today.  My favorites were "The Seth Material" and "Seth Speaks: The Eternal Validity of the Soul." (Still have that book after all these years).  For those who don't know, Seth was an entity who spoke through the late Jane Roberts, an author and psychic.  According to Seth, we are made up of energy and that our thoughts are energy; in essence, we create our own reality.  Why I not only bought all the books, but also joined a Seth Study Group.  I would highly recommend getting a hold of a copy of  "The Seth Materials". Fascinating reading.

In the late 70's and the 80's I found the Rosicrucian Fellowship.  I took their  course on Esoteric Christian Philosophy  and their course on Spiritual Astrology.  It was through the Fellowship that I learned to set up a chart....the hard way, not computerized like it is today.  I married during this time and gave birth to my eldest son in 1978 and my youngest in 1982 so I was pretty tied up for awhile, and I did return to the church for awhile to expose my sons to religion.  (Later, I allowed them to chose their own paths).   I continued with my astrology and actually made a little extra cash from doing charts.  My marriage was far from a happy one, and I was always under a great deal of stress.  In the late 80's, I visited my first psychic and was introduced to the Tarot.

To be continued....

Monday Morning Blues

Another cold day here in the city...and no heat this morning at my office.  Oh, boy, did I come close to turning around and going back home because it was far too cold to work.  But, the maintenance man came around with space heaters, so there went that excuse.  But, let's face it.  I didn't want to come to work even before I got here.  It's always difficult going back after a long holiday weekend.  It started last night.  I just got so used to hanging out in my flannels...and all those wonderful marathons on television...that I just wanted the good times to continue.  It doesn't take much for me to get in a rut.

Yesterday, I created a new blog "Dreams, A Pathway to Your Soul"  http://dreamsamirrortothesoul.blogspot.com/
 I have been thinking about it for awhile, I know I mentioned it.  I was planning to start it at the beginning of the New Year so there it is.  I know, I know...so many blogs.  How will I find time to keep up with them?


Good question.  Well, I also did a little housekeeping.  I deleted my astrology blog.  Too much like work to be fun.  I also plan to cut down postings on my Faerie  Blog....just not necessary every day.  I'd thought about combining "Celtic Dreamscapes" and "Avalon Revisited" since they are so similar but I like each blog setup too much and decided against it. And as materials will eventually run out, I will most likely post two to three times a week on each.   So, "Moontides" will not undergo any major changes except for maybe more Native American and "An Inner Journey" will in due time incorporated some inner child/shadow work.


Now, I'd like everyone's opinion of the page setup for my new blog.  I chose the background for it's nonsensical, dreamlike aura....I mean pink dogs and bunny rabbits with top hats can only happen in a dream.  I'd like to know what you think.  Thanks. 





 

Thoughts On a Cold Windy Sunday

My, but it is cold out today.  The wind, topping off at about 50 miles an hour, howled all through the night.  Garbage pails were being blown about just like they were made of paper.  It is so cold out there today that my back door was frozen shut. I usually check out the sunrise on my back porch and couldn't open the door.  I sure am glad that this is a Sunday and not a work day.  Oh, it will be cold tomorrow, too, but they say the winds are going to let up later on today.  And, don't forget, I am not too far from the ocean...a wondrous sight when the seagulls soar over my home, but it does serve to make me a little colder in the winter.  Seriously, I have said this since summer...I think we are in for a rough winter...at least here in New York.  We've had some fairly mild, snowless winters here these past few years...and let's face it, summer wasn't much of a summer.

While waiting for my son to rise, I've been doing a little ancestor stuff.  I realized that I've studied all of the Celtic gods and goddesses for most of Wales, and Ireland, and Scotland, and other parts of England, but haven't learned much about those who stemmed fromNorfolk, England...where my ancestors are from.  Now, of course they worshipped the gods and goddesses of England, but each area also had their own...way back when.  So far I have found four deities that originated in Norfolk...including the goddess of battle, Andraste...the goddess that Boudica had called upon. 

It also amazes me how little they migrated.  I've discovered ancestors who were born in Norfolk, England in the early 1600's, and their descendants can still be found there...so I have to believe that my ancestors have ALWAYS been there...since before history began.  An example would be "Cheddar Man" whose remains were discovered in Cheddar, England.  It seems that he lived and died a violent death some 9,000 years ago....and through his mitochondrial DNA, they discovered a descendant, a teacher who was still living in the area.  Ironically, it took some 9,000 years for this descendant to move 300 yards down the road.  Interesting, isn't it?
                                                                               

I found this study so interesting, I am about to read the books again..."Saxons, Vikings, and Celts" and "The Seven Daughters of Eve" by Bryan Sykes one of the world's leading geneticists who has helped many find their ancestral roots in the British Isles.  Actually, by following mitochonrial DNA almost all of mankind can be traced back to seven woman--Ursula, Xenia, Helena, Velda, Tara, Katrine, and Jasmine....and surprisingly, his books read like a novel...once you start, you can't put it down.  I also really, really want to have my DNA tested, but it's not in my budget.  How about you?  Do you want to know where you came from?

Winter in the Boulevard

The frost has settled down upon the trees,

And ruthlessly strangled off the fantasies

Of leaves that have gone unnonticed, swept like old

Romantic stories now no more to be told.

The trees down the boulevard stand naked in thought,

Their abundant summery wordage silence, caught

In the grim undertow; naked the trees confront

Implacable winter's long, cross-questioning brunt.

Has some hand balanced more leaves in the depths of the twigs?

Some dim little efforts placed in the threads of the birch?--

It's only the sparrows, like dead black leaves on the sprigs,

Sitting huddled against the cerulean, one flesh with their perch.

The clear, cold sky coldly bethinks itself

Like vivid thought, the air springs bright and all

Trees, birds, and earth, arrested in the after-thought,

Awaiting the sentence out from the welkin brought.

                            --D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930)

Well, the holidays have come and gone.  It's time now to knuckle down and get back to the old grindstone.  I've always experienced a type of letdown after the holidays...and right about now it doesn't seem like this year is going to be any different.  Already feeling the January blues.   I've often wondered why this hits me as it does.  Is it because I put so much into the holidays....decorating, cooking, etc....and then it's over before you know it?  Or is it just boredom, have extended yourself so much...and now having nothing to do.  Oh, I have plenty to do...not just what I want to do.  Or is it that winter here in the city seems bleak, cold, and dull having spent my youth in the wonderful countryside where snow was white and clean, the air fresh and crisp?  As I sit here typing this, the wind is howling, the sky is gray, and it is brutally cold outdoors.  There is a wind advisary for tomorrow.  Well, at least it's on Sunday, and I can stay all cozy in my home.

One way I rid myself of the holiday blues is by losing myself in my books.  I started reading a good book last night, and haven't been able to put it down...."Medicine of the Cherokee: The Way of Right Relationship."   I mention this because lately I have had trouble staying with a book, and it looks like this one is one to keep me engrossed.  Winter is also a time when I seek to become closer to my ancestors with rituals and spending time on my family tree.  As I look out at this harsh winter weather, I cannot help but think of how it was for them...many years ago. 

Wondering if anyone else here suffers from the holiday letdown, and if so, what do you do about it?

Happy New Year

January is named for the Roman God Janus.

It means gates and doors and symbolizes openings or beginnings and good endings. 

Birthstone:  Garnet

Flower:  Carnation, Snowdrop

Symbolizes constancy.

2010!!!  A new decade begins!!!  I was saying to hubby last night that it feels like we just began the new millenium, and here we are, ten years into it.  Gosh, who could forget when 2000 was about to roll in....the widespread belief that disaster was about to hit, that the computers were all about to crash and the mad scramble to fix all the computers before the bewitching hour fell....And after all that, nothing happened.  The year rolled in just like any other year. 

Now, 2010 rolls in,  and 2012 is on many people's minds.  With the Mayan calendar set to end on 12/21/12, many feel the end of the world is near...but what they don't know that we have faced the end of the world many times...and we are all still here.  For example, according to a Divine message discovered in The Great Pyramid, the world was supposed to end August, 1953 or the prophecy that in 1988 World War III would break out.  Edgar Cayce predicted the earth would shift in 1997-1998.  Armageddon was supposed to start December 12, 2001.  I could go on and on, but once again I have totally veered off what I wanted to say today. 

Gosh, here it is the first day of the new year and I go off on a doomsday tirade.  But the truth is and I guess what I was trying to say before I got so sidetracked  is this:  Life is a precious gift to be lived to the fullest.  It is an unhappy person who dwells on what 'might be' and the human fear of the unknown rather than embracing the opportunity of entering into a new era full of possibilities.    When we obsess on the negative, we lose the wonder and magic.  Change is a part of life, one of the mysteries of life that sets our wheels spinning, but transformation can be a wonderful process if we do not let our minds get in the way.  When we embrace change as a part of growth, it can be exciting and joyful.  We can then continue to feel our emotions and release our fears. 

May this coming year be one when we usher in a world of peace, love, and hope for the future of humanity...a world where we become one with our brothers.  Happy New Year.