Tuesday Ramble

Lord of the springtime, Father of flower, field and fruit, smile on us in these earnest days when the work is heavy and the toil wearisome; lift up our hearts, O God, to the things worthwhile--sunshine and night, the dripping rain, the song of the birds, books and music, and the voices of our friends. Lift up our hearts to these this night and grant us Thy peace. Amen.

W.E.B. DuBois

Good morning everyone.  What beautiful weather we are having.  I do believe we have seen the last of the snow, but don't quote me on it.  One never really knows what Mother Nature has in store for us. Spring fever has touched me.  Started getting out spring blouses, ordered new curtains, planning for some new plants for my window garden.  Trying my best to cheer myself.  But.it's not easy.  I keep hoping that I will awaken from this nightmare.  And the guilt with it's 'maybe if's' has set in.  Realistically I know I did what was right for her, but my heart tells me differently.  I'm sure each of us who has had to make this decision about a beloved pet has gone through this.

This past weekend I dug out my crystals and cleansed them with White Sage.  I'm going to start working with them again.  Have lots to learn for sure, but I joined a great Facebook group that is so helpful and willing to help a newcomer.  I do know that amethyst under your pillow will help you to recall your dreams, and lately that's something I have not been able to do.  And I have been hoping that Miss Minga will come to me in my dreams, but if I don't remember, what good is it?

So, I began sleeping with my amethyst under my pillow, and lo and behold, I had a dream unlike any other dream I have had.  Miss Minga was not a part of it, or perhaps she was, I don't know.  You see, I dreamed about orbs; namely, a blue orb and a white orb.  Oddly, I seemed to know the orbs.  The first part of the dream was about the blue orb, and I got the feeling that wasn't ending well.  The orb and I were standing in a small pen, and the people around us were building a wooden wall around us so there was no way out.  But, I recall that I wasn't afraid at all.  

The white orb appeared in the second part of the dream.  Although I know the outcome of the dream was a happy one, I didn't write it down quick enough to recall the specifics.  Still trying to find the significance of the orbs.  Some say Angels, others say a spirit is trying to reach out to you. Last night no dreams to remember.  My best time to dream is after 4 am, and it was just about that time that hubby began his tossing and turning.  No more sleep for me. 

I have seen one Angel for sure, the Angel who saved me when I was having an extremely bad episode with my sleep apnea.  I know I told this a long time ago, but briefly for those who don't know, I used to suffer from this disorder.  One night I awoke and it was so bad I thought I was dying.  It was then that I saw a beautiful iridescent figure dressed in white standing in my bedroom door.  And, as my breath began to come back, she faded away and I never had another attack.

Another episode that I recall was when I was in my early teens.  I was very sick, running a high temperature.  During the night a woman appeared at my bedside and said she was there to help me.  She asked if I needed anything, and I asked for some water.  She left and came back in a few minutes with a glass of water.  I took a few sips and set the glass on the window sill.  She told me she had to go, but she would watch over me and be there if I needed her.  Never saw her again after that night, and no one believed me.  They all said I had to have been delirious.  But, there sat the glass of water on my window sill.

Thanks for listening today.

Monday Morning This and That

When you give away some of the light from the candle,
by lighting another person's candle there isn't less light
because you've given some away--there's more.
That works with love, too.

Unknown

 
Good morning.  It's warmed up outdoors, and spring is on the horizon.  Slowly, oh so slowly, I  am trying to get my life back on track.  Such a tremendous loss for me.  To put things in perspective, I do try to get out and socialize, but even so, I have no real close friends.  Yes, I do have a few special online friends who I love and feel I've known all of my life, but there is no one who I can meet to have a cup of coffee or go shopping together.  No best friend.  Miss Minga filled that role in my life.  She was my pet, my best buddy, my little baby and trying to deal with this loss has taken a toll on me. Little things just set me off.

Like Saturday, it was the first time I went food shopping since her passing, and there is no way to avoid the cat food aisle.  It's the same aisle that sells cleaning supplies and garbage bags.  The first thing I noticed was the cat litter.  I've had a running battle with management for almost two years about the cat litter.  They keep 15 and 20 pound boxes on the highest shelf.  So dangerous.  The manager tells you to find one of the guys to help but there are only about three in the store and sometimes you can't find them.  One time I got tired of running up and down the aisles looking for someone so I tried it myself and a 15 pound box landed on my head.  And still the manager did nothing....until this week.  The first thing I noticed was that the boxes had been moved to the lowest shelf.  

And then the stock clerk gave me a big smile.  "See, I have it all  ready for you today." and he pointed to the Friskies chicken and beef classic.  That was Miss Minga's favorite food, and she had to have it EVERY morning for breakfast.  Whenever there was none on the shelf I insisted they go to the basement and bring some up.  They all knew Miss Minga in the store....all the girls at the register, the delivery man.  The first thing they noticed was that I didn't buy any cat litter and before they could ask, I told them she had passed.  And that was all it took for the tears to start flowing. 

We had a wonderful memorial for Miss Minga.  We lit candles, each said a prayer,  and I recited the following poem.

And God asked the feline spirit

Are you ready to come home?

Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul

And, as a cat, you know I am most able

To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.

Soon, replied the whiskered angel

But I must come slowly

For my human friends are troubled

For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? asked God

That you'll never leave them?

That your souls are intertwined. For all eternity?

That nothing is created or destroyed?

It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,

Replied the glorious cat

For I will whisper into their hearts

That I am always with them

I just am....forever and ever and ever.

Author Unknown

There were plenty of tears. Afterwards,  we sat down to a meal of lemon garlic chicken, spaghetti with garlic and oil, and roasted broccoli with Parmesan cheese.  The rest of the evening was spent with each of us adding our fondest memories to her book.  I can only hope that she was there to see how much she was loved.

Hubby is so special.  Gosh how I love that man.  On Friday we were watching some television together in the living room and I was feeling down.  He said something to me, and when I turned, he saw the tears in my eyes.  I saw the pained look on his face.  I know he is worried about me because he knows I can fall into depression.  

On Saturday, it was he who brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy.  He went out and came home with this gift for me.

Friday Roundup

The best and most beautiful things in
the world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

Happy Friday.  We made it through another week.  We had three storms this past week.  Hoping yesterday was the last of the snow for this year.  It's cold out there today, and probably much of it has turned to ice, so even though I'd planned to do my food shopping, I'd best put it off for tomorrow.  We have food in the house so we are not going to starve, and it's just not about me getting back and forth, but also the poor delivery guide.  It's hard enough pushing that cart all the way to my house let alone doing it on a snowy sidewalk.  By tomorrow it should be a little more clear.  

Oh Spring, where are you?

Yes, I did venture out in the midst of that storm yesterday.  Headed to my WW meeting, went to the post office, Rite Aid, and C Town.  I've gotten hooked on Skinny Cow treats.  They are out of this world.  Time was I would have stayed in, but now I find I have to get out, no matter what, and be around people.  My WW group leader lost her kitty a week before mine so we are good support from each other.  

My block

I just sent for a wonderful little air plant and a small fairy to hang in my window in honor of Miss Minga. It's still hard being here without her.  It especially hurts when I come home, and she doesn't come running to greet me.  That's when the tears begin to flow.  I talk to her all the time like she is still here, and I hope that her spirit still is and that she can hear me.  She was my life, and since retirement I have been totally devoted to her. 

So, tomorrow night we will hopefully have our family memorial.  This is something we all need to do for closure...if there is even such a thing.  I'm cooking a simple meal--lemon garlic chicken, pasta with garlic and oil, and roasted broccoli with garlic and parmesan cheese.  This is my baby's night, a celebration of her life.  

I've much to keep me busy today.  Lots of letters to write.  It's kind of fun getting all of this mail, but who expected 16 penpals.  Every day my box is filled with letters and cards.  Reminds me of the old days when snail mail was the way everyone communicated. 

Well, guess that's about it.  It's off to the shower and then a bit of breakfast.  Have a wonderful weekend.  See you all on Monday.

So Many Changes

Just when summer gets perfect—fresh nights, soft sun, casual breezes,
crushingly full and quietly cooling trees, empty beaches, and free
weekends—it ends. Life is like that too. Just when we get it right, it
starts to change. The job gets easy and we know just how to do it, and
they tell us we’re retired. The children grow up and get reasonable
and they leave home, just when it’s nice to have them around . . . . That’s
life on the edge of autumn. And that’s beautiful—if we have the humility for it.

Joan Chittiste

Have been spending a lot of time going through old photos.  Looking for pictures of Miss Minga.  Remembering time of old when she was young and carefree.  And as I came across photos of me, I realized there was a time that I was young and carefree as well.  Many a time I said to Miss Minga, "You and I have grown old together." The Autumn of our lives had arrived; for her, sadly,  it her was Winter. 

So many changes.  We both got a little stiff in our limbs and getting up was getting harder to harder.  The gray roots began to show on my tinted hair; her whiskers made a downward turn.  Neither of us walked as fast as we once did and not as far without a rest.  Yes, change does happen.  Summer ends, Autumn begins, and life continues to go on.  And now, I prepare to enter my Winter without my best friend.

These pictures show some of the changes I went through as the years passed me by.  Hair color, style, weight.  Wow, so many changes.

 This was me with  my boys and one of their friends. .  Wow.  This was almost 30 years ago. I was still with my ex at the time

Was this really me?  Ah, youth. This was 1992.  Hubby and I had been together for a year, and Miss Minga had just joined our family. Didn't realize when we took this picture the parrot was over my head.  The parrot still hangs in my living room.

1994

This was taken in 1995 when we moved into our old apartment.  The coat is not real, but I remember how glamorous I felt.

1996

1998

With hubby and his mom in 2006.  I was a redhead back then.  

 My birthday in 2008.

With my boys 2013.

About a month ago.  I'm thinner now.

 Four Seasons fill the measure of the year;
There are four seasons in the mind of man:
He has his lusty Spring, when fancy clear
Takes in all beauty with an easy span:
He has his Summer, when luxuriously
Spring's honied cud of youthful thought he loves
To ruminate, and by such dreaming high
Is nearest unto heaven: quiet coves
His soul has in its Autumn, when his wings
He furleth close; contented so to look
On mists in idleness—to let fair things
Pass by unheeded as a threshold brook.
He has his Winter too of pale misfeature,
Or else he would forego his mortal nature.

John Keats

Wednesday Quote

As we climbed up the mountain and came to where I thought
the horizon would be, it had disappeared--another horizon was
waiting further on. I was disappointed, but also excited in an
unfamiliar way. Each new level had revealed a new world.
Against this perspective, death can be understood as the final horizon.
Beyond there, the deepest well of your identity awaits you. In that
well, you will behold the beauty and light of your eternal face.

John O'Donohue

Tuesday Ramble

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began
to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don't try to stand up
straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and
be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting
go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand
up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the
time for you to be strong, Julia, or you, too, will break.

Julia Butterfly Hill

 Helping me with the Christmas decorations.

Tonight will be one week since my beloved little angel passed, and it still hurts so bad.  It is an emotional pain and loss that I don't ever remember feeling.  I've had many pets in my nearly 68 years but the bond between me and Miss Minga is something else.  I'm totally lost without her. Mornings are intolerable.   I still find myself waiting for her to come to greet me when I enter the room.  Yesterday I was at the computer, and as I turned to the right to get up from my chair and head for the bathroom, I found myself stepping over a pillow that is no longer there.  I put it there so she wouldn't have to lie on the wood floor when she lay next to me.  

Staying home has not been helpful in my efforts to heal.  but the weather hasn't been conducive.  I did get out to church on Sunday, but before I even got home the snow was beginning to fall.  Yesterday it had stopped, but the slush on the sidewalks made it too slippery to think about going anyplace.  Today I plan on going to art class.  Getting out and around others is what I need.

I participated in the Petloss.com candle ceremony last night.  The healing energy that stems from hundreds of people from around the world lighting candles and saying prayers at the same time is amazing. Tonight my sons will finally be able to get here for our private memorial and dinner.

I am considering other ways of honoring my baby girl such as volunteering at a shelter, donating to a shelter, and adding a plant to my window garden.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.  I HAVE to do something.  I can't just sit here and do nothing.

Well, friends, that's about it for today. Sorry for the sad posts.  It helps me to write about what I am feeling.  Please don't get bored with me.

Have a good one.

Monday Morning This and That

"If there is a heaven, it's certain our animals are to be there. Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them." 

Pam Brown 

Miss Minga as a baby.  Sure wish I could have gotten it clearer.

Good morning, everyone.  It's nasty out there so I'll be staying home today.  The storm started yesterday afternoon, a huge disappointment for me.  My sons were coming for dinner last night, and we'd planned to hold a memorial ceremony for my beloved little girl, but I told them we'll set it for another time.  No sense exposing them to the dangerous conditions.  Good heavens, it's already March, and still the storms continue.  But at least we're due to go up to 50 on Wednesday, and all this mess will melt.  They say this is the third coldest winter on record for NYC. 

 

I  have order a beautiful memorial card for my little girl.  When it arrives I will be sure to show it to you.  My grief has reminded me of the ocean's waves.  One moment am fine, the next I am sobbing and calling out for my girl. I don't know what to do with myself.  The other day, I went to fix lunch and I waited for her to call out to me not to forget hers.  It's the little things like this that break me down.

Everything reminds me of my little girl.   As soon as I heard about this storm on Saturday I began thinking how worried I'd get that something might happen to her during the storm, and we wouldn't be able to get her to the vet.  That always caused me such  a great deal of stress.  Now, I just don't care.

I am driving myself crazy.  I find myself gazing at all the places I had set up her little beds (she always had to be near me), at the empty space where her litter box and cat litter stood, at the empty cupboard where I kept her food, etc. hoping that this nightmare would be over, and she still would be there, but it is not a nightmare.  It is 'real' life, and I know I have to pull myself together before I sink any deeper into depression.

I've been looking towards Spring with a new sense of hope.   I picture the first budding of the trees. the Spring flowers as they push their way through the earth, the joyful tunes of the song birds.  As a time for new beginnings, I am hoping that my happiness with life will return.  Granted, my life is forever changed, and she will NEVER be forgotten, but I do hope that one day I will be able to let go and honor her by living my life as I know she would want me to.

Thanks for letting me share.

 “Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.”

William Shakespeare