A Home Song

It's a rainy day here in Brooklyn, so there is not much to do except hang about the house and do some packing and sorting.  I've one closet I haven't even started on yet.  We had planned to go put the curtain rods up and hang the curtains today, but the super is working, and we definitely need a ladder to do so.   We really didn't think about that yesterday, or we would have called and asked him to leave it today.  

Spoke with my landlady yesterday.  I really wasn't going to call her back, but I decided, "Oh, what the heck.  There's only a week to go".  I'm so glad I did because after listening to her rants about the the two sons and their sister, I managed to get her to agree to my leaving my son's bed and the sofa bed rather than tossing them out...which, if you remember was one of my worries.   Actually, as it stands right now, she has decided to let the place go.   According to her, the son is not paying any of the bills, and she is not going to pay everything.  Besides, her health isn't good at this time, and she sees no other way around it.  In time, she may decide to renovate, and, in that case, will have her friend stay there to do all the repairs.  That was my 'cue' to suggest leaving the furniture.  

Now, my only worry is how my 19 year old cat will react.  She was only 4 years old when we moved here, so I guess you can say this is the only home she has known.   Healthwise, she is doing as well as to be expected. She's a touch of arthritis, and her kidneys are beginning to falter, but she eats well and basically does well in all areas except---She's becoming senile, and at times, becomes disoriented.  When she does, she lets out these deep, guttural howls.   I'm not quite sure how she will act in a totally unfamiliar home.  I've been doing my best to brush these thoughts aside, but nagging fears still keep popping up.

I did some thinking last night about my present home.  I've never felt comfortable here, never really felt at home right from day one.  It's been a place to 'hang my hat' so to speak.  The prospect of moving stressed me, but I realize now that it is not because I absolutely 'loved' this place so much that I couldn't bear to leave it. No, it was the fear of the unknown. Yes, there were 'some' good memories that I'd been clinging to, but they were really few and far between.  And, I'd been hearing nightmare stories about the rents here in the city , and I was afraid.  I didn't think we could afford it.   And it was then that I realized that I had NEVER blessed this home or cleansed this home.  All the negativity that was here when we moved in is still here.  and because negative energy feeds off itself, it is stronger now than ever before.  There is a darkness here...and not just from the lack of windows.  Do you know that I find myself tiptoeing about?  It's like I don't feel I belong here anymore...and I don't. 

Shortly after we moved into the home prior to this one, hubby and I had brought in some friends and we had done a thorough cleansing followed by a blessing, and that has 'always' been my favorite place to live. I'd drop everything and move back there at a moment's notice.  And not only because of my magical garden.  There was an aura  there that made you want to kick off your shoes and stay forever.  I think we all have experienced that one special place that we wish we could live in forever, and when things go awry, and we have to move.  This is what I plan to create in my new home...a place where one feels welcome, where one 'wants' to come home.

I read within a poet's book
A word that starred the page:
"Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage!"

Yes, that is true; and something more
You'll find, where'er you roam,
That marble floors and gilded walls
Can never make a home.

But every house where Love abides,
And Friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home-sweet-home:
For there the heart can rest.

Henry Van Dyke

Blessing the Home

Spent much of my  day at my new apartment.  I love it, absolutely love the challenge of taking this blank slate and making it into a home.  It's so clean, and white, and new, and everything seems to be falling right into place.  Remember how I mentioned I had no counter space?  Well, the super realized that what I had was not enough, so now,  I am getting a new sink with a brown specked formica  counter top with room for my microwave, coffee pot, and chopping.  I will be set on top of 'new' wooden cabinets.  That saves me from spending a small fortune to buy some counter space, but I will still need something to fill up the opposite side of the room. Perhaps a nice utility cart would be nice.  

Today, I blessed my home.  Simple is better for me. It's already spotless, but I gave it a good sweeping to begin.  Then,  I realized that I didn't have anything for a smudging, but I DO have sea salt (an ancient symbol of purification), a white candle, and Holy Water from the Jordan River, a gift that I have treasured for many years.  I love working with the Angels and wanted them to feel welcome, so my house blessing began with the following:

Angels of Hearth and Home,

Bring blessings, ceilings to floors,

Spread your Angelic light,

For only joy behind these doors.

That was followed by a sprinkling some of the sea salt and Holy Water in the four corners of every room, to bless and purify them, while saying:  'With water and salt I bless this house.'

Lastly, I lit the candle:

I dedicate this candle
as a blessing for the space.
Let its light and warmth and pleasant fragrance
extend to every corner of this place.

And, of course, on the way over, I asked hubby to stop at the store to buy a new mop, dustpan and broom.   One thing my grandma taught me was ....Never bring your old house-hold broom with you when you move.

Later we stopped to buy the curtains.   I chose to get earth tones...browns, beige, and orange.   My kitchen curtains are of sunflowers.  The bath, for now, will be done in olive green.  I was pleasantly surprised that 5 sets of curtains, plus rods, plus shower set and bath curtain, rugs, came to less than $100.   Tomorrow I hope to get back over there to start the 'real' work. 

Candlelit Heart

As I was packing today, a touch of Christmas spirit overcame me.  I looked at my tree an ornaments all packed and ready to go to their new home, and I realized.  This is a first for me.  Even in my poorest of days, my place would be decorated and waiting for Christmas by now.  My tree will definitely go up in my new home, but I am not so sure if I will have time for the village.  But, hey, there will be many years to come, and besides,  I have my blog so let me have some fun decorating.

Not feeling up to par anyway.  Woke up with a sinus headache that just doesn't want to go away.  Did some packing, then had to lie down for a bit of rest...but the darned headache was still there when I woke up.  My sinuses always go haywire this time of year.  Heat has newly been turned on and with our lack of windows, there is very little air to circulate.  But, hey, soon that will be a thing of the past...just as my unlit tree. 

I do love the following poem. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

"Somewhere across the winter world tonight
You will be hearing chimes that fill the air;
Christmas extends its all-enfolding light
Across the distance...something we can share.

You will be singing, just the same as I,
These familiar songs we know so well,
And you will see these same stars in your sky
And wish upon that brightest one that fell.

I shall remember you and trim my tree,
One shining star upon the topmost bough;
I will hang wreaths of faith that all may see --
Tonight I glimpse beyond the hear and now. 

 

And all the time that we must be apart
I keep a candle in my heart."

 

-Mary E. Linton-

The Month of December

"I heard a bird sing
In the dark of December
A magical thing
And sweet to remember.

'We are nearer to Spring
Than we were in September,'
I heard a bird sing
In the dark of December." 

- Oliver Herford, I Heard a Bird Sing -

December is the 12th and last month of the year in the Julian and Gregorian Calendars and one of seven months with the length of 31 days. In the Northern half of the world, Winter begins in December, but winter does not begin until the solstice on December 21 or 22, and most of December is usually warmer than other winter months. It takes its name from the Latin word decem, meaning ten for at one time, December was the tenth month according to the oldest Roman calendar. Eventually, in later Roman calendars it became the 12th month. 

This month the Wheel of the Year is turned toward Yuletide at the Winter Solstice. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the shortest day of the year, but in the Southern Hemisphere, it is the longest day. The term Yuletide stems from the Norse tradition of cutting and burning a huge tree on December 21st to symbolize the Winter Solstice, bring good luck and burn throughout the 12 day winter festival...which we now call 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'. 

On the old Tibetan calendar, December 1st  was the beginning of the new year.  For me, it is the beginning of a new stage of my life.  Today, December 1st, I get the keys to my new home.  For the past few days I have been running color schemes through my head.  In my present home, I really had not much interest.  With no windows, there was not much light, and colors did not much matter.  In fact, the lighting in my home is so poor that I looked down at my feet one day as I was traveling to work and discovered I had one blue shoe on and one black.  I've gone out with a light mauve sweater to discover the necklace I chose was orange. But now, with a houseful of windows, that's a thing of the past. 

And, with that being said, I'll be taking vacation for the next two weeks; hence, my blogging will probably be a bit sporadic.  Today and tomorrow I am trying to complete things here at work.  I dislike going on vacation leaving things undone.  My feeling always has been that if you leave work before you go away, you'll only find double waiting for you upon your return...especially in a job that calls for so much paperwork.     I really do have to knuckle down here at home.  On the 15th I will have to be out of here, and there is still lots of sorting and packing to be done, curtains to buy, accessories.  Oh, so much to do!!!  There is a living room set to be purchased, and  I do have my heart set an old wooden rocker like the one my grandma used to have. I can close my eyes and visualize myself sitting there, next to the windows, rocking back and forth, on a cold winter's night with the snow falling all about. 


Life, indeed, is looking good. I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you all a wonderful weekend...just in case I don't get to post tomorrow.  I so appreciate all your support.

A Sad Day Indeed; A Rant About the System

It's a sad day today in more ways than one.  Our sister program, CDT (Continued Day Treatment) is closing.  We've worked side-by-side for the five years I've been with the organization, and I will miss all the staff who have been a part of my life for five years.  Thankfully, they have not lost jobs.  The organization is the largest in the city with 28 programs so all staff will be placed elsewhere.  I can't blame the organization for the closing.  There is no money to be made in day treatment programs anymore.  They fought to keep it open, but finally had to give in just like all the others here in the city.  Medicaid has decided that there is no merit in such places, and they will no longer pay.

I will miss the workers, yes, but they will be okay.  For some, their new position is a step up with a hefty raise.  It is the clients who I am feeling for.  Continued Day Treatment is/was a program for mentally ill clients.  They spend their day at the program coming for breakfast in the morning, then attending various groups throughout the day.  And unlike my program in which groups are geared toward substance abuse, their groups are designed  to teach them how to survive in the community, how to take care of themselves--cooking classes, daily living skills, making a budget, hygiene, dealing with mental illness, etc.  So, it not only gets them off the streets, it also teaches them how to live.

And, although they are being referred to other places, it is not the same.  Clubhouses are just that...a clubhouse.  Oh, there are some that offer some kind of life skills training, but not to the point where the client learns to become self-sufficient.  Other clients are being referred to the programs Medicaid WILL pay for...a program where the client meets with the psychiatrist, gets his/her prescriptions, and whoosh, they are back on the streets.   

Where does it all end?  I mean, it's not the clients faults that Medicaid has been mismanaged for so many years.  I remember back in time when addicts would spend all their money on drugs, check themselves into a detox, check out when their money arrived, and then do the same thing when their money ran out....over and over again...at a cost of over $1500 a day. When patients are discharged — typically after about five days — the needed transition to an outpatient treatment program rarely or never occurs. And, rather than encourage clients to enter long-term treatment, Medicaid continued to pay the hospital's exorbitant fees.  Addicts know this and take full advantage.

That's only one way Medicaid has been mismanaged over the years.  There are far more, but this is one I know of personally as I work in the field. And all of us are going to end up paying for it.  Not only will the mentally ill get the care they deserve, but homelessness and crime is already on the rise.  Why close down programs that help to prepare  the mentally ill and homeless to survive in this challenging world while Medicaid quacks are out there charging a small fortune to write out scripts?

And, it's not only the mentally ill who are suffering.  It is happening to the elderly, as well.  Senior centers are shutting down all over the city, and despite the fact that we 'baby boomers'  are producing the largest generation of elderly folk ever, housing and other services for the oldsters is down to a minimum.  As a woman nearing retirement age, it truly frightens me.  


Where does it all end?  By 2018 Medicaid is requiring that all people who work in my field will need a Master's Degree, or they will not be able to find a job.  My question is, who is going to pay for it?  That is six years from now.  By then I will be 70.  Let's hope I can retire by then.


Thanks for letting me rant.

A Home Song

I am a bit at a loss for words today.  I guess that happens to all of us at one point or another. I know I am a bit burned out.  Sure, I had a four day holiday, but most of that time was spent sorting and packing.  Can't believe I am not done yet, but I am almost there.  The biggest problem now is trying to figure out what to do with the love seat and sofa, the cocktail table, and my son's bed which we are not taking.  Here in the city, it's not so easy to get rid of unwanted furnishings and one has to be careful not to get a ticket.

Have to get my son in gear, as well.  He's got tons of things to pack.  He's not coming with us, you know.  Two bedroom apartments are sky high,  and he really has to grow up and get out there on his own.  He's becoming quite the mama's boy, and that's not something I ever wanted for him, so at this point, my letting him live with us and taking care of him is not in his best interest.  He's feeling bad about it, and so am I, but it's time.   I  see the son upstairs, close to fifty, at a loss of how to take care of himself after his parents passed on because he lived his whole life with them and never learned how to stand on his own two feet. I don't want that for my son.  I want to know that, if anything should happen to me, he'll be all right.  And,  it's not like I am putting him on the streets.  He's going to share a place with a friend...and I know that one day he will thank me for this.    Personally, though, I think I am taking it a lot harder than him. 

And, with that being said, I'd like to share the following wonderful poem with you.  To me, it is oh, so appropriate for my life right now.

I read within a poet's book
A word that starred the page:
"Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage!"

Yes, that is true; and something more
You'll find, where'er you roam,
That marble floors and gilded walls
Can never make a home.

But every house where Love abides,
And Friendship is a guest,
Is surely home, and home-sweet-home:
For there the heart can rest. 

--Henry Van Dyke--

A Little This and That

Isn't this a gorgeous shot of the sky?  I'm pretty amazed at myself, but all the credit goes to the camera.  Actually, this photo was taken from a Smart Phone.  Hubby and I went to look at some living room furniture out in Queens, and my son had asked if I would stop and pick up his phone at his friend's house to save him a trip.  On the way back I started fooling around with it, and the above was taken as returned to Brooklyn on the BQE (Brooklyn Queens Expressway).  This phone takes better pictures than my camera...as you can see below. 

Saturday afternoon there was a knock on my door, and my first reaction was, "What now?"   It's been extra quiet around here lately.  My landlady has stopped harassing me 3 or 4 times a day for the same nonsense.  Should have had hubby call her a long time ago.  I'm a wimp, and she knows it; he's not.  And the son upstairs has not been knocking with his nonsense either.  All I wanted was a little peace my last month here, and I am pleased to say I am getting it.

The reason he was knocking was that he had the above package that I'd won at my dear friend, Jo, over at  My Grama's SoulThe gift included everything one needs to pamper oneself...a delightful shower wash, a magnificent handmade journal which I cannot wait to begin writing in, a fleur de lis bling ring, a pretty little votive holder which is going to take center stage on my planned 'welcome table', a pretty print, a wonderfully smelling grapefruit/mint soap, a sensational little book "Anyway, Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World", and a wonderful little hand made card. I only wish I had a little more talent with MY camera so you could really get an idea of the special meaning of the gift.

On Friday, with only four days left on my Norton virus program, I decided to renew, and as usual, it turned into an annual stressor.  I began trying to log in at 8 pm and by 8:30 was just about climbing walls.  Took me 25 minutes to find a phone number and even longer to get a live voice on the phone.  Had to listen to Live Voice #1's sales pitch for 20 minutes until I finally had to get rude and ask if he speaks English.  "I've told you umpteen times that I am happy with the program I have, and that is all I want."  After that, he asked me if my computer ran slow and offered me a technician who would log onto my computer and straighten it out.  And, all for $39.99.  By now I am sweating, shaking, and ready to scream.  Finally, he gets the message and passes me onto a tech who will help me to renew.  

Four times I have to repeat my email address to this tech.  Four times until I had to do each letter separately--m as in Mary, x as in Xray, t as in Tom, etc.--and ever so slowly.  Finally, he gets it.  Then, he informs me of the program that I have.  I KNOW what program I have.  I've had it for 4 years now, and this is the fourth year I am being tortured by these people when I try to renew.  Finally, we get to the good part, the part where I am going to pay.  Now, I have to repeat the debit card number almost as many times and as slow as my email address.  We go through the whole ritual, and he announces that the card is invalid.  "What do you mean it's invalid?  It is not." And so, we once again go through the card number...extra, extra slow this time.  This time he tells me that their system will NOT accept a debit card.  

Now, I am seeing red.  I paid last year with a debit card.  Oh, but that was Chase, a well-known bank.  This card is from TD Bank which is not so well known.  "What difference should that make?" I reply.  "I come here because I want to PAY money to you, not get money from you.  Before I can even begin I am given a liturgy of upgrades that Norton feels I should have.  Why doesn't Norton practice what they preach?  This is the only company who has refused to honor my debit card."  It is now exactly 10:49 and I have accomplished nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and boy was I furious.  Well, he did give me an extra 30 days to give me time to go to the store and BUY a new Norton to install since I told him I do not plan to change banks or obtain a credit card just to satisfy Norton. Any suggestions on a virus program as good as Norton?  Personally, I love their program, but hate their system.

On a happier note, I had to go to the office this morning to resign my lease.  When I first got the message asking me to come and resign, that there was a problem it was like, "Oh no,"  Turns out that the legal rent had been figured wrong, and I was being overcharged.  Here in New York, in rent stabilized apartments, the rent can only be raised by so much percentage...even after a party leaves.  They cannot raise to exorbitant rents to the new tenants....not that my rent was so high.  $1150 is not bad in this day and age, and now it is even lower...$1114.73.  And, the lease is for two years, not one year.   

What fantastic weekend this was!!!!